Although everything bizarre in my life has just recently happened on that fateful vacation in February, but the desire to live a fuller life takes precedence over wallowing in cheap misery.
I had a lecture to attend yesterday – and I do hate classes on weekend. After class, I went to a shopping mall to buy a few more tops; I figured I cannot be rotating 3 decent tops that I have in the wardrobe. It was crowded in the mall, so I took a train home and went to the supermarket to buy some ingredients for salad.
Whilst on the escalator down to the basement where the supermarket is, I saw a temporary push-cart stall displaying colorful socks. I remembered the soon-to-be-ex-husband bought me 2 pairs of socks not too long ago.
The crowd at the supermarket was reasonably manageable. I grabbed the stuffs I needed and queued for payment. Whilst waiting, I remembered I didn’t have to buy groceries before. Now he is buying groceries for the other woman. The other woman who is equally responsible in breaking up my happily ever after marriage, is enjoying the convenience of a wife’s entitlement.
As you read, do you feel sorry for me? Is it like watching the movie, whereby you feel an ache in the heart for me? How do I feel about it? The truth is, memories are not always emotively entailed. Memories, are sometimes just memories of facts and history of events.
Details are just entertainment to the inquisitive mind, a quality further enhanced by the recent learning through the lectures. I can be curious as a cat can be when it comes to human behaviors and behavioral patterns.
It was a 7 years relationship, heavily invested with emotions, time, care, love and bound by vows and promises. It is barely 3 months since everything went to none. I am not sad anymore when I think about us.
Don’t get me wrong, I cried, I wallowed, I managed intensified hyperventilations throughout the first month. Know this, it is not easy, it is not supposed to be. I didn’t choose this, but I can now decide how this goes from here. That, is my ultimate power of self-reclamation.
So, they fill the voids in each other’s hearts left by previous marriages. While people need other people to fill in the empty spaces, I don’t. I will never need anyone to fill in a vacancy, because there is no vacancy, I make special space when the special right person comes along. Meanwhile, I have books, assignments, upcoming exams, work, and maybe social activities (but I do need time for that, and time is what I cannot afford right now).
What helped me were Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy – REBT) and Positive Psychology. I didn’t run, I didn’t deny. I acknowledged, actively evaluate my perception of reality, and adjust the cognitive perception, proactively.
When I decide I want to start a new and better life from this point, I will have a new and better life. I reclaim and reinvent my life.
(and for that, there are various tools to help us kick-start a new life – clean slate, and I will save it for next time, I need to get back to reading and writing assignments!)