I made an entry to the blog yesterday about self-discovery and recognising the puppeteering culprit that strung my hands to self-sabotage.
I ended the post with a note of uncertainties.
What I am going to share with you now is the flip side of fear. For the first time in the longest time, I start to feel unafraid again. I found myself smiling into sleep and woke with an awkward smile. It was not about the dream; but a full sweep of affectionate love.
See, by identifying and acknowledging the crippling fear that was haunting me, was like having finally found the hidden panic bomb and disarming it.
The moment I fully recognise what was paralysing me, it no longer has control over me. It’s not a miracle that I am talking about. It’s psychologically possible to turn that switch off, with the prerequisite of locating the panic button first.
Finding that button, is the first step into taking ownership of the emotion and fixing it.
It’s like walking through the locked gate. I was trapped by the unknown. It is like trapped in a glass bottle filled with toxic haze. My sensory still worked, but when overwhelmed by the foggy gas, it was unclear if I had gained a foothold or a steady grip to hold on to. I stumbled and fell, many times over.
Now, I can breathe again. It’s difficult to describe how exhilarating and liberating to be able to breathe normally again and take in every scent that matters.
My hazy world was split into two sides. One with withering trees; another lined with gorgeous evergreen. Walking through it, I couldn’t be certain if I would be walking nearer to the hopelessness or towards the blooming love. I swayed between the two. Every time love approaches, I was too afraid to go near it, so I repelled and bounced towards the thorny path.
The trip to Denmark helped me realise that there was a trigger to my fear. I still have a hard time reconciling with the fact that someone whom I had committed a lifetime to, stopped loving me overnight, and turned into a cruel and heartless person. I hadn’t committed a heinous crime. That coldness left me uncertain.
I sabotaged a new relationship whenever things were looking good. When I mentioned ‘puppeteer’, I meant it literally. I am not shirking from responsibilities, but there was indeed a pair of invisible hands puppeteering my behaviours which I felt completely devastated and frustrated about afterward.
It is simple really. I have to recognise if I were looking out of the window from inside the trapped room, or looking into the room from a free space. For that to happen, I have to know the existence of the room, and the space. Once that happens, the smoke dissipates and I can finally feel every cell of my body rejuvenated without having to fight off the skin burning toxin.
So, I walked through the gate, and crossed the bridge to the other side where love awaits patiently. For me to reach this point, I have paid a dear cost, but I cannot regret it. I am grateful for that endearing hand that pulled me out of the river. If I remained damaged and fearful, it is only a matter of time that all relationships around me crumble, crash, and burn.
All is not lost yet. It may sound surreal and even unrealistic, but I put the lights on, and hope. It may sound silly and naive, but the meaning of being in love, has returned to the simplest and purest state once again. My ideal way of love is redamancy; I love and be loved right back – reciprocal. However, being an Aspie, I have lived through life with minimal support and understanding. I lost more friendships and relationships than I could account for; the experiences don’t always leave me bitter and angry. On the contrary, I grow stronger that I am capable of loving without expecting a return – but again, it’s more ideal and satisfying to have a two way loveship.
“All roads lead to Rome”.
Every time we cross over a hurdle in life, we grow to be stronger and better. Life is about growing endlessly, even if we have to navigate through prickling thorns and fog.
It is easier to give up when we cannot see beyond this path, but if we persist, we will find a way to where we want to be. A bench in the backyard, where we will reminisce about the many shared memories, and tease each other about the stupidity of succumbing to fear and nearing to give up. To make it to the bench, to share the many memories, stupidity, fun, laughter, and tears, we have to persist.
If my exes had persisted, we would be now mocking each other over a good pot of earl grey, about that day that we almost broken up with each other; instead, some of them are coming around to say to me, ‘I wished I had..’.
I am incorrigibly stubborn and persistent. I see things through. I don’t leave things unfinished. In the matter of heart, however, it is not always my call. This has been the hardest reality that I have had to make peace with, because in my Aspie world, things, including feelings, shouldn’t change.
Throughout my life, I have heard people telling me countless of times that I am rigid. Now we know why, one of the traits of Asperger’s is rigidity. Instead of harping on it, I would sell that quality as a niche. I am determined, and I don’t change easy. I am relentless.
They say, we are tireless of doing the same thing over and over again. I concur. It’s like running in an infinite loop, there is no end.
Love for Aspie, is a double infinite loop. It is endless, because we don’t change easy, and I can fall and stay in love with the same person all over again, every single day. However, challenges and limitations are ingrained in our being. We take a longer route because we have to overcome some difficulties, but we are still capable of forever and ever. Let’s say, for many of us, we don’t know any other way to do it.
It’s ironic, but it costs me one of the most important relationships in my life to hunt down the puppet master, defeat it, and find love again; or, if I may, retrieve the skills to know how to love again.
We are simple but we think complex. It’s not a choice. I am dominated by feelings, but I go through life being rational. The psychologist who was lecturing in one of my counselling modules pointed out that I was too rational and emotionless. My friends tell me more than often, to not overanalyse things.
We are guided by some form of rationality, because it is what keeps us afloat in this world of insanity, and if we are not allowed to do so, we lose touch of our being in this planet that is somewhat alien to us. Instead of expecting us to be same, how about being different for us?