Perfectly Imperfect

The goal is not to be perfect; the goal is to be accepted for the imperfections.

Asperger’s Diary – Train Myself to Train Other NTs

The Keen Passion

I have always wanted to study psychology. It’s no surprise. Long before I was formally diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome Disorder, I have always knew I am painfully different (I am trying to make a distinction here to dismiss the trendy ‘different’ used by people who desperately want to be unique). Being different has been painful, because the majority decides that the minority ought to conform to the rules of a world that is far from being perfect.

Survival Tools

I put myself through (hell) higher education. I never thought it was for a far deeper agenda. The primary reason was (still is) that there is absolutely no way that I can understand the varying behaviour sets tagged to same triggers of people. By studying the behaviours – really, all high functioning aspies and auties would make the best psychologist because of our predisposition – I survive the foreign planet. So, it’s really a survival need to learn psychology so that I can understand the irresponsible and poor behaviours of the normal people; I don’t believe in forgiveness, it’s way too fake and vague for me, I believe that I reconcile with myself better when I can make sense of the twisted world in a logical and rational fashion, without implicating the abstract notion of ‘forgiveness’.

Overrated Forgiveness

Know this, forgiveness does absolutely nothing for me. Understanding and making sense of things help me rid of the question mark and move on. Forgiveness is similar to conditioning – reinforcement – yourself to be ok with what you don’t understand and move forward; until the past catches up with you. I am a Freudian fan, I believe in the past and unconsciousness, bite me.

A Pissed Off Aspie

Today, the epiphany comes that I am putting myself through hell with this education system because I am actually fed up (finally, some say!)! I am going to be doing these:
1. Start documenting the imbecility of the education system (national or international) that fails to support people on autism spectrum. 
2. Obtain a degree in the specific industry because that’s how I can stand on the same platform with the (undertrained) professionals and make myself heard, loud and clear (but gauging from their intelligence level, don’t think that’s going to be an easy job)
3. Be the (weird) one that effectively supports people on the spectrum.
4. Or to train helpers to be effective.
5. Most IMPORTANTLY, educate people that we can teach us (on the spectrum) to cope and manage the (stupid) rules of the NT world, but never to attempt to convert them into what they are not. A toddler is smarter than this bunch of people, the toddler has been taught not to push a square shape toy into a triangle mold; how does adult forget the basic knowledge that is acquired as a child?

Shape_sorting_cube

Point #5 – remember the shape-sorting-cube toy that was given to us as a child? We have been taught not to fit star shape into square hole. It’s a very logical really, when you try to force fit a shape into the wrong hole, it get stuck or it doesn’t stay.

I fail to understand why people forget simple lessons.

The lecturer from last night’s lecture – a practising psychologist – emphasised that he expects us to have the 3 constructs – intelligent, ethical, and hardworking. Oh, I am sure I am all three.

The impending question is.. how does intelligent psychologist/psychiatrist becomes incredibly imbecile?

toddler

Back to Basics

Let’s go back to basics and relearn the simple logic of doing things more effectively. DO NOT attempt to force a shape cube into where it doesn’t belong. Find the right space instead.

I am tired of having the professionals tell me not to get anxious when I have a genuine anxiety issue that unfortunately comes with my diagnosis of Asperger’s. I am sick of having these trained professionals tell me to make friends because it’s part of the undergraduate program. I am frustrated of asking for help that they find inconvenient to provide but raised my hope anyway.

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I know, I am probably the maxagon (I don’t know what’s that, so I come up with a word that means a shape that is so odd, you don’t find it in the standard shape-sorting-cube toy) that they consider as ‘unfortunate’ and inconvenient. In order to accommodate my learning, they may have to custom build a cube hole so that I can fit in there.

A Personal Crusade, Perhaps

Perhaps it is going to be a personal crusade. It is time to Step Up, and Stand Up! I am not trying to campaign an uproar (but it’s not such a bad idea actually! People campaign for the stupidest thing, campaigning for kinder treatment to autistic is quite meaningful, I say!), but enough is enough!

From this point on (actually, I will back track to the specialist diploma that I took last year),

Keeping Records and Critical Review

 

1. I will be documenting the promised assistance that universities adopted (or abiding the legal obligation) as a shiny humanity trophy in their name, yet not effectively delivering the assistance.

2. Critically compare and contrast (hey, it’s what you are training me for, be critical! I will demonstrate that in full strength.) the knowledge vs applications of trained professionals, including lecturers who uphold a heavier responsibility in nurturing or resulting in the next batch of effective or ineffective professionals.

3. Keep narrative review of the process of my higher education as a person on the spectrum. Special sympathy is completely unnecessary, but special arrangements will allow fair opportunity for me to learn as effectively as other normal people without having to spend 90% of my brain resources to regulate anxiety and emotional distress. Unleash, develop and enhance my untapped intelligence, don’t punish me for my disability.

I implore all persons on the spectrum to keep such narrative records. Help us build a strong case against the inadequate provision of support for special needs.

Deflating the Giant Ego

The society is ever-changing. The ego-inflated professionals make too many mistakes through trial and errors (see DSM!) but they offer no apology, instead, they reshape the rules whenever and whichever they like. Once, they were embracing the ‘compassionate card’ and building special schools for people with special needs; now, they emphasised on inclusion and not that we have ever been consulted for opinion, we are just pawns and ‘subjects’ that they move from one plate to another.

About Inclusion

So, if inclusion is the new trend, be sure that inclusion means training other normal kids to treat the ‘included’ kids on the spectrum with respect and understanding. Can you confidently do that? Or by inclusion, you really mean chipping my corners and squeeze me into the conformity? Then again, how does making a ‘special’ kid stands out helpful to make him or her feel included? What kind of confused signals are given to the normal and special kids? I am certain that in the end, the normal teachers will try to make the special kid normal.

My records will be quite simple, and brutally honest.

1. Disability support available? Yes

2. Support discussed? Yes

3. Support delivered? No

4. Lecturer 1 – professional, takes extra step to accommodate yet not disadvantage other students

5. Lecturer 2 – instead of helping effectively, asked me to ask other classmates (duh! asperger’s! We don’t make friends on first day or 20 days!)

6. Understanding of sensory integration disorder and other accompanying challenges – Lecturer 1 is consistent with the understanding; lecturer 2 understands at his or her convenience and schedule.

Silence is Not the Best Option

I was told not to bite the hand that feeds me. I say, don’t force feed me or I will bite your hand off. The thing here is, I don’t care anymore. I don’t need this degree, I want this degree, that’s the distinct difference. I say, don’t make an enemy out of an aspie. I am relentless, tireless, and possibly intelligent, that makes me a nagging opponent. You give up on 10th tries; I give up on 100th tries, or never.

No, I am not grouping all NTs as bad. I am very specific. I am going after trained professionals who fail to do what they are trained to do, and I am perfectly fine that stupidity exists, I am lenient on that; it’s not their fault to be stupid. I am very unforgiving when they do impose more challenges and inflict more emotional distress to the people they are supposed to help. There are terms for it – unethical, unprofessional, unkind, and non-empathetic .

To be effective, a psychologist, psychiatrist or therapist (whatever you call yourself these days) must adhere to this golden rule – never assume you know better than your client.

Go back to the basics, be a baby and learn things over with fresh eyes, always. Be nurturing. All studies and researches can be disproved; because behaviours evolves with time, and even genetic changes.

FT-Back_to_Basics

 

 

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