I broke a shot glass today. Me being me, of course I over think, and I am not sorry about it.
I am beyond exhausted due to numerous factors. It is fair to say that I dropped the shot glass out of fatigue. Then, I started picking up the broken pieces. I am so tired that I literally dozed off briefly (at least I think it’s brief) because of the position of my body against the floor.
While picking up the glasses, some small pieces cut into my fingers and palm. I am way too drained of energy to care about the minor cuts. I am definitely not going to vacuum the floor! No one except me, comes to this part of the apartment, so it really doesn’t bother me so much. I did my best in cleaning up the shattered pieces.
You will be amazed at what my stupid brain does even on the verge of complete shut down due to extreme fatigue level. I see (I am highly visual, I think in pictures) a clear connection to real life situation.
Often times, we thought of broken heart as one of the most inconsolable pains in human experiences. I won’t refute that. I realised that it is not the moment when your heart was broken that is most painful; it is the picking up the pieces that hurts most.
* This applies to broken trust, broken promise and whatever is broken.
Leaving it Be
There is a valid reason people avoid the healing process and run straight to bury and ignore the damage. In the process of picking up the pieces, you may cut yourself repeatedly. You can be super careful, but it is the small pieces that cut deep. I know people who do everything to avoid this process, they would rather burn the hut down, pack their bags and keep as far away as they could from this place of hurt and pain, and never to return.
The Past Catches Up
Unfortunately, many times, there is no running away. Remember, the small pieces cut deep. The small pieces may have gotten onto your clothes, bags, shoes, or whatever, and you may have been carrying those negligible pieces with you. At some point, the past catches up with you, and the tiny pieces of glass still cut deep into your skin, and open up a wound you thought was completely concealed – and that would be correct, that wound was concealed, ignored and untreated.
What Healing Really Means
Healing, sounds like a hopeful word; almost like a magical wand that will zap away the emotional pain. Or is it? What it really means is to go through the hardest part first, and there is no telling of how long it may take for a person to recover. Healing, means confronting pain head on, and endure, until you build up a tolerance and strength to function as normally as before, again.
Cry, Bleed, and Embrace
The process is brutal. Some heart breaks are easier than the other; the hardest ones are those that are shattered. Although I use a metaphor of broken glass, unfortunately, the metaphor doesn’t extend to the cleaning up process. There is no vacuum cleaner to help you pick up the pieces in the case of a shattered heart.
So, you cry and bleed, bleed and cry with each cut you sustain from time to time. It may never get easier, you may never get a hang of how to pick up the pieces without cutting yourself; each broken piece is made up of different sizes and shapes. Then, you embrace the reality that this shattered heart may never be the same again, and in many cases, it is true. The good news is, heart is not really made of glass, it is resilient and it will grow to be healthy again as long as you persevere and nurse it well.
It is probably important to note the vulnerability and fragility of the heart during this process, it’s probably better to avoid presenting it to someone new (or old) because a tiny shake can cause an irreversible damage to the already broken state.
Pain has a way to distort our rational thoughts. Shall I say, cognitive dissonance? What we know is that the relationship was once good. We felt happy. The same thoughts that once put a smile to our face, now flow the stream of tears down our cheeks. We are suddenly convinced that those are bad thoughts, and we adjust our behaviours to align with the new feelings.
I wonder, could that be easily explained that we are actually missing that person, even though we are feeling hurt? Missing a person who is the primary source for the pain that we are in, seems meaningless and makes us feel weak and useless; or is it? We feel what we feel, let the truth be truth. One of the saddest things in life is when we have to lie to ourselves.
I feel that we should always conduct reality checks, and question our faulty negative thoughts. While we pick up the pieces, while we feel each excruciating pain when we are cut, understand that it’s a way of missing someone. As long as we don’t distort it with a lie to make us feel momentarily better, soon, this phase will pass, and we may smile to the memories.
*This may not always be the case; in the case of abusive relationship – that is a very different canvas altogether. This scenario that I paint is probably relevant to passing of a loved one, or a relationship that ends due to circumstances.
So, that is my over thinking process for the day, a good prelude to prepare my brain to take in information critically for the school assignment, while I fight with every cell in my body against physical exhaustion.