Perfectly Imperfect

The goal is not to be perfect; the goal is to be accepted for the imperfections.

Loneliness

AspieGrief

From time to time, a deep sense of loneliness creeps in. It’s a different kind of loneliness, where no company could fill the void. Perhaps the protective shield cracks and by instalments, I mourn for the loss of faith and hope.

Logic Kept at the Back Burner

Once in a while, logic is put at the back burner, and emotions take over resulting in the overwhelmingly deep sense of loneliness deriving from collision of rational reasoning and engulfing emotions. The process is automated, perhaps a necessity and quality that distinguishes me from an emotionless sociopath.

The rotation, however, is performed in the background where no one notices.

Dichotomy of Logic and Emotions

Logic and emotions for me, are as if they were created in a rigid dichotomy. When someone told me that a relationship with me had become impossible after several years because they can only do ‘normal’. The stoic and logical part of me accepts it as a reasonable explanation – cruel, but acceptable. The emotional part crumbles and loses hope and faith in any future romance. The rational guard, on the other hand, is fused with more advanced gadgets to keep things together; keep me together.

Homosapiens are resilient, so am I. Neurodiversity doesn’t make us less human. To survive, we seek alternative explanations and constantly seek out even the slightest ray of light as hope of survival.

The Last Hope

When someone came around to convince me that the problem was not me, but with the people whose unrealistic expectations are unmet, it gave me that dimmest glimpse of hope. When that dim light went off, what’s left was pitch darkness.

Surviving the Brokenness

Crawled on my fours, I found a safe spot to recollect myself, only to find shattered pieces missing. I left broken pieces somewhere along the dark tunnel. Quietly, I waited for the rational guard to return. Together, we rebuilt a gantry to regulate the emotional upheaval. Shield is not the wisest option; build a gantry with a valve instead. Don’t sever emotional ties, regulate and let it pass in controlled stream.

From time to time, the valve cracks wide open when the turbulence surges. So, I take time to stroke that emotional creature and try to appease it while the rational guard gets back on its feet to mend the crack. Although it seems like a painful process, but this is a cycle. Life is not perfect, the gantry is not to un-break what has been broken; but I will deal with it every time, because this is how I survive this life.

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Dealing with Death, Loss, and Grief with a Poker Face

When dealing with death, loss and grief, I transform into a robot machine to maintain functionality. With a poker face to deflect any further emotional input, it invites additional severe emotional attacks. In moments of intensified emotional state, people have no more tolerance for diversity. When everyone wears black, it’s no longer excusable to wear red, although in rationality, the colours do not aggravate nor soothe the harsh reality in any way. We often forget that under the costume of a clown, lives a real person with genuine feelings.

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To survive a grieving process, normal people express extravagantly as a form of release and cohesion to share the grief with fellow members, almost similar to the properties of a thinning agent. For some of us, that kind of sharing was nearly impossible to accomplish; sharing dissipates the sadness for them, but it means absorbing massive amount of emotional burden for us. Normal people feel comforted; we don’t.

Yet, diversity is unbearably difficult to tolerate during times like this. The truth beckons that the hostess at the masquerade ball who looks mysteriously sophisticated and composed may be all torn inside.

The Innate Capability for Inappropriateness

We have an innate talent for inappropriateness, and it frustrates me. I have always been inappropriate, but unintentionally, but naturally talented for. When observing behavioural patterns throughout the countless of life events, it is easy to pick up the markers that may shed light into the corresponding behaviours.

The dichotomy of emotions and rationality works like a switch, and there is also an emergency trip switch. Overwhelming and confusing emotions set off anxiety, and anxiety trips the emergency switch to high rational mode. In order to maintain functionality, we talk facts and logic, which can be unacceptable. Imagine this, when someone in your life dies, the only thing you could do was to talk about normality of life cycle – birth and death. It’s a way to explain the particular event – death – to make sense of what is happening; but it would be considered as highly insensitive and inappropriate. Our difference in coping methods divides us in times like this. There should be no right or wrong way to cope, yet our response would be considered offending.

Accounting for the Unaccountable – Steven Covey’s 90/10 Principle

I understand logical explanation better, although I have (and still am making) made tremendous effort in collaborating the dichotomous part that includes emotions. Life is harder for a rigid personality. The rules of life are ambiguous and too fluid to form any formula that works for every situation.

Steven Covey came up with the 90/10 principle. It doesn’t make it easier for people like me. I have no religion (still don’t) and I only accepted hard facts. If I did everything right (by my best knowledge), and things still fall apart, my world crumbles.

How could I lose a friend even when I did everything right by him/her? How could I lose a marriage even when I didn’t break any terms stated on our vows? How could I lose a lover even when all I ever did was to love unreservedly? That doesn’t make sense!

I understand it’s unfathomable of my rigid mindset. It is similar to trying to set up a machine by following the instructions that came with the manual. I followed every single step correctly, but it didn’t work. That should never happen, then, Steven comes around to say that the situation fits right into the 10% of what I have absolutely no control over.

Our Unicorns

So, it is no surprise that many of us on the autism spectrum hop on to the back of the unicorns and race into the endless possibility of magic. Magic, is what helps fill in the 10%; or at least what we hope would help us run away from the 10% of ridiculous.

Me? I piggyback on the art of Fengshui. It’s profoundly vague and ambiguous, so it helps me make peace with the unexplained. It is similar to religion, intangible, and helps to account for what went wrong in life even though we did everything right. Fengshui is my unicorn; unlike a storybook, at least there are theories to explain the causalities. Theories work so much better for me.

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4 comments for “Loneliness

  1. ry
    October 20, 2014 at 12:02 am

    was led here while searching info about aspies. interesting blog and more i read more i realize i may have it as well :(( but funny loneliness never an issue for me as i seems to have tons things to do & explore. in fact i’m so used to going solo that issue of mine was probably to get back into any sort of emotion bonding again. -_-;;; cheers ………

    • October 20, 2014 at 12:17 am

      Hey! Actually, for the longest time, loneliness was unfamiliar to me; aloneness had been the case, and I welcomed aloneness and solitude. Ironically, loneliness only becomes more familiar after I have been clinically diagnosed for Asperger’s. The sense of loneliness is when I try to explain asperger’s and autism to people I care about. The thing about formal diagnosis, it works for and against me. It illuminates my differences more than ever, especially now that I have more answers to provide, only that these answers aren’t easy to accept by people in your life. They wonder, since I could deal with the ‘normal’ for so long, why should it be different now? The difference is that I would like not to have to work so hard and struggle to pretend to be normal, I do want to cut myself some slack.

      So, I do understand where you are coming from. I have a myriad of interests, and I am never tire of them, but things are different now; challenges prevail when there are life changing events that going ‘solo’ is an unacceptable social behaviours.

      • ry
        October 20, 2014 at 8:16 pm

        ah ok I think I got your point of view now. often the more I explain,the more I got misunderstood. henceforth i don’t explain until I’m asked …… silence is golden, brevity is the soul of wit – I’ll stick with this for now. Hope you find your release from ‘loneliness’ soon.

        • October 20, 2014 at 8:25 pm

          Indeed, it’s a very lonely journey when we start to explain. And yes, I absolutely understand the part that the misunderstanding deepens when we try to explain. 😛 I am not certain though, if I would choose to be silent; well, if I had, this blog wouldn’t exist; but I get the essence of your message. Thank you, the loneliness is a passing phase, I’ll manage. I hope you find your answers to your questions too. Many of us started out with suspicion of our special traits, and at some point determine if we fitted in the description. Feel free to write. 😉

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