I am feeling very philosophical today, and for the many Saturdays until the semester ends. See, I am easily influenced by my spiked special interests including soap dramas, theatrical elaborations, and provocative philosophical arguments. I am currently riding on the train of philosophical tensions.
By default, I have argumentative minds – I will explain later why it is in plural – and they can be equally ruthless with one another. Note that this is not the case of dissociative identity disorder formerly known as multiple personality disorder. I do not have many friends, and not many friends are patient enough to engage in intellectual discourse with me.
New In Old
Of late, I have found a new friendship in an old friend. In one of the recent chats, we talked about what we would do if we had an obscene amount of money that we would never run out of. I talked about the practicality and ideality. Practicality includes buying properties in countries in cooler climates so that I will never ever have to suffer another day of offending hot day. Ideality includes setting up research centers with my financial resources (and probably power that should come with the super rich status!) to achieve effective developments in helping people with dyscalculia (and other disabilities) live a fuller and satisfying life.
Random and Morbid
We were in a happy place discussing the imagined unimaginable wealth, then I threw in the random and morbid wish. I would buy myself (no idea how to go about it, but I am certain it is possible with that kind of unimaginable wealth!) a citizenship in Netherlands. The friend was surprised by my wish, and then completely shocked by what followed. The only reason I wanted to buy a citizenship in Netherlands is because euthanasia is legalised there.
Early Death is Not Suicidal
In the same breath, I expressed my enthusiasm in helping people, and to die after I graduate from my present studies. I completely understand how confusing my conflicting goals can sound. My mind separates itself into developing diverse goals, hence the argumentative minds. Of course, to me, they are not exactly contradictory to each other.
I have always wished upon an early death, but life has not been kind to grant me that wish, but a girl can wish. Wishing an early death is not the same as having suicidal thought. It is very important to discern that, because many people including psychiatrists and psychologists assume too quickly that a person is suicidal when they talked about death of their own.
There was only one time that I was genuinely motivated toward living a longer life, but that motivation has ceased.
After some contemplations, I think strictly speaking, perhaps there is an error in my statement when I wrote that wishing upon an early death is not the same as suicidal thought. If we are constantly gearing toward a hopeful death, we are more prone to making risky decisions, such as heavy drinking, substance abuse, high risk activities, oblivion of dangers etc. that may fulfill the ‘shorter life’ wish. It is perhaps a mild form of suicide. Sure, it is highly debatable and arguable but coming from behavioral perspective, I posit that it is a slower form of suicidal direction as compared to rapid suicidal thought. The latter motivates people to actively seek for death, while the earlier stops caring about living.
One Small Bite
I am only planning on taking a small bite at a time now. It is not so difficult to achieve a goal that is within reach under 3 years period. It is like setting a mental finishing line for each task, and since I am a visual thinker, it is easier for me to imagine myself moving forward and nearing the finishing line with successful completion of each semester. For many of us on the spectrum, setting a goal is the only way to use our traits to our advantage. I rarely leave things unfinished, so I am using this quality to survive one small step at a time.
I do not see too much of a contradiction in my seemingly diverse wishes. I always have backup plans; I would have died so long ago if I had not. Ideally if I died after I have completed my studies – I really resent unfinished business – it would be the end of the story. If I did not die, whatever I have planned to be doing, would be the backup plan. I am waiting for ideally a painless death, but if it did not happen soon enough, I would rather make the most of it.
It is a relentless journey in trying to find peace after creating tensions and conflicts. Perhaps we are innately designed to question, it is only a matter of questioning aloud or in silence.