I was going to blog an update of my recent relocation to Denmark, Europe. While searching for some information through ‘Notes’, something came up from the search, a forgotten note – Death Note. I nearly choked on my own breath (given that I am also developing asthmatic allergic reaction toward freshly cut grass and I have left my inhalers and anti-inflammatory pump in Singapore – another story for another day).
The blurred sections contain very personal data and is only relevant to curious eyes, but not pertinent to the context of this post. I have to give it to me! I was pessimistically rational! If we dissect this note rationally, it was not a suicide note, but a farewell note.
I think I will always try to bid farewell before I go. Some time before my late best friend passed, in our text messages exchange, I made it a point to illuminate the great value of her existence in my life. I promised her that I would leave a goodbye note to her before I die, because her friendship had been priceless and I would hate to leave her without saying goodbye. Three weeks before she passed, she made sure I knew she loved me. I guess, she kept my promise; she knew how I feel about people vanishing into thin air.
Looking at the date stamp of this note, I have a rough idea of my mental state at that point – a dangerously low point. We make assumptions all the time, it is how we attempt to make sense of things, of life. Analysing my “death note”, I was not suicidal, I was probably in a depressive mood. The only way I could cope with overwhelming emotions is to imagine an alternative reality and explanation – CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). CBT should always be devised by trained professionals because it’s a dangerous line to cross between questioning a false reality and conjuring up an alternative reality that does not exist. I am not really against the latter, sometimes that is what one needs desperately to get out of the rut, but it’s a delicate zone to thread as it may open another new can of worms.
My “death note” was an escape. I must needed rabbit hole to escape an impossible situation. It may sound morbid, but sometimes by imagining your own death brings a lot more perspective to your living presence. The rediscovery of this note brings a new perspective to my current situation too. Old material, new information.
I have my struggles, just like anyone else. It would not be fair to say that I have more, or less struggles than you because like you, I have never lived another person’s life.
I shall blog about my current life in Denmark in the next post. Meanwhile, if you would imagine your own death, what kind of note would you have left?