For most people, there are the public and private personas – how you behave and be perceived in private and in public. I have two personas too, but not differentiated by these two categories. Some Friends Said… When I was being assessed for Asperger’s, now subsumed under Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), I sought out my old friends from my childhood and…
Once in a while, logic is put at the back burner, and emotions take over resulting in the overwhelmingly deep sense of loneliness deriving from a collision of rational reasoning and engulfing emotions. An overdrive of emotions yet leaving a sense of emptiness.
The dichotomy of emotions and rationality works like a switch, and there is also an emergency trip switch. Overwhelming and confusing emotions set off anxiety, and anxiety trips the emergency switch to high rational mode. In order to maintain functionality, we talk facts and logic, which can be unacceptable. Imagine this, when someone in your life dies, the only thing you could do was to talk about normality of life cycle – birth and death. It’s a way to explain the particular event – death – to make sense of what is happening; but it would be considered as highly insensitive and inappropriate. Our difference in coping methods divides us in times like this. There should be no right or wrong way to cope, yet our response would be considered offending.
Often times, we thought of broken heart as one of the most inconsolable pains in human experiences. I won’t refute that. I realised that it is not the moment when your heart was broken that is most painful; it is the picking up the pieces that hurts most.
Pain has a way to distort our rational thoughts. Shall I say, cognitive dissonance? What we know is that the relationship was once good. We felt happy. The same thoughts that once put a smile to our face, now flow the stream of tears down our cheeks. We are suddenly convinced that those are bad thoughts, and we adjust our behaviours to align with the new feelings.
Sometimes, we confuse missing someone with hating someone. It is okay to miss someone that we may never have in our life anymore. Let the truth be truth because it is sad to have to lie to ourselves.
I live in a bubble world of my own. I crave to connect with world out there; I desire for a soulmate who is the same and we will blow a bigger bubble to encompass our individual bubbles. When the bigger bubble is safe enough, we burst our bubbles to be one. Poetic, isn’t it? Therapy Like my autism, seeking…
I made an entry to the blog yesterday about self-discovery and recognising the puppeteering culprit that strung my hands to self-sabotage.
I ended the post with a note of uncertainties.
What I am going to share with you now is the flip side of fear. For the first time in the longest time, I start to feel unafraid again. I found myself smiling into sleep and woke with an awkward smile. It was not about the dream; but a full sweep of affectionate love.
See, by identifying and acknowledging the crippling fear that was haunting me, was like having finally found the hidden panic bomb and disarming it.
The moment I fully recognise what was paralysing me, it no longer has control over me. It’s not a miracle that I am talking about. It’s psychologically possible to turn that switch off, with the prerequisite of locating the panic button first.
Finding that button, is the first step into taking ownership of the emotion and fixing it.
The year flew by quickly. Although I am proud of myself for picking up the pieces promptly and embarked on a journey to pursue higher education, there are uncertainties. “We don’t know how broken are we until we leave the origin of hurt”. I planned a world circumnavigation. From Singapore to Bend, Oregon, to Svendborg, Denmark, and back to Singapore.…